‘cause Someone Said It

Last Year. Last Semester. And Last exam. As I put a full stop to the answer of the last question I solved I began to walk towards examiner to hand over the exam. While I move forward I see that I won’t be sitting in that exam hall again surrounded by my classmates, asking them answers, trying to save myself from eyes of examiner as I whisper answers to my friends when they say “I just want to match if mine are correct”, hall filling up with laughter on some silly joke of one joker of class and teacher shouting at us all with threats that never became real. I approach towards the cafeteria of university which is always crowded with kids but empty this time.

I sit on the lonely stairs and look at the ever beautiful scene of dawn and dusk waving hi to each other and clouds turning into a ravishing piece of art with red, orange and yellow colors spread all over. I watch the sun that is drowning in sea of clouds, I could relate myself to it. I let myself fall deep into memories I gathered in four short years of my university which seemed long before. I see the person I was when I walked in with a lot of dreams in my eyes no different from my fellows. I recall the moments I made friends, lost some over the period of time, crying over pretty little fights, patching up with friends before the night falls, copying assignments, group study one night before the exam, exchanging sheets during exams, arranging urgent meetups to do gossip, talking through gestures from different corners of room, hanging out together and having each other’s back.

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We just lived all those seconds without even realizing that we were making memories; memories which we will miss sometime later. As I surface from those flashbacks I find myself saying hello to the person I was a few months ago. A person whose eyes were opened to the fact that degree period is breathing its last breaths and soon everything will be over, we will be done with our university lives and the bubble of our amazing childhood days would be burst to never be blown up again. I stopped living moments because of the fear of missing these days later made home in my heart. I was haunted by never living these minutes again, having same gathering, watching my friends laughing, pulling each other’s leg, sharing tears and smiles and the feeling the warmth of that unconditional love. I wished if somehow wheel of time could be stopped from spinning and world becomes still.

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I said goodbye to that person and as I opened my eyes after a deep breath I felt satisfied by the person I am now. One who lives the last gatherings with my circle to the fullest, cherish the jokes, ending the fights, killing the doubts and making the chain stronger. Though deep down in my heart I know I still have that fear somewhere locked down in mysterious chamber of my heart but I believe words someone said to me someday,

“That’s the beauty of time it can’t be stopped and it has to move. All you can do is to live your present at the best so, when you look back you have peace in your heart knowing you did fair to time!”

Debt that can’t be paid!

At 12 in night, door was opened silently and two feet walked in slowly with pin drop silence. A heavy office bag was dropped some steps away from the door. Some more steps were taken and laptop was placed on the center table in sitting lounge. Heading towards kitchen some dishes were observed on dining table all covered carefully. Everything was ignored as it is done in everyday routine.

With a cup of coffee in one hand other hand was stretched out to open the door of room. Lights were still on and her eyes were left wide open at what she saw. Her room was bathing in colored balloons, party bloopers were on table, shimmer all over walls, some gifts wrapped up on table with her favorite chocolate cake and a note nearby. In confusion she looked at her phone’s screen as it lit up. It was a message from her mother reading:

“Don’t forget to come home early. Its mother’s day and all I want is to spend an evening with my young lady”

On her bed she found her lying. She sat next to her, holding her hands and her journey down the memory lane started. She felt the same warmth of hands as she used to when she started taking her steps, those hands which held her tiny hands and taught her to walk, same hands which were always up behind her like a shield to save her from falling and getting hurt, hands that used to teach her how to write, hands who made her boats to swim in rain water, same hands which used to cold sponge her when her temperature went to 102 and the hands which were always up in praying for her at every sunshine and in every cold night.

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Picture Credits: Km Berggrey

Her eyes fell on her face. A smile was still up there and that made her feel safe and relieved as usual. It was there when she made her colorful handmade cards, when she told her in broken words how much she loves her, when she got A+ in report card, when she got her a flower specially plucked on mother’s day, when she mentioned that she is a proud mother of a girl and when she used to get a little time out of her kids busy routine.

She could see those bright eyes closed and the dark circles of tiredness around them. She could clearly see the effort and love put in making meals, washing clothes, making everyone happy, doing errands and never complaining of getting tired. She could clearly look at the sleepless nights, no time to care for herself and killing her own wishes to fulfill others hidden under those curtains of dark circles.

Her eyes couldn’t control the burden of tears anymore so one fell down on the hand she was holding. It woke her up and those kind eyes got the glance of tears in her eyes, held her head in those warm hands and kissed her forehead with those ever sweet lips. That is when she realized how much her mother was getting old with her growing young, how much she needs to spend time with her and how lonely her life would be without her. She knew her debt is the one that can’t be paid but she felt sorry for not making an effort to pay back.

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Picture Credits: Km Berggrey

She hugged her best of all best friends and told her how much she loves her after a long time. She was once again that tiny toddler who used to wrap around her mother just to feel safe and loved. Words came out quickly and unbroken this time but purity was still the same. Her mother hugged her back and suddenly all the universe felt happier than ever, future brighter than the sun, winds melodious as lullaby, home no less than heaven and heart as light as a feather. Suddenly all her tensions faded away and she felt home once again.

 

PS: This is dedicated to the woman who bore me, raised me and made me what I am. May God keep me blessed with her presence in my life (amen).  

Who Am I?

As I stand before the dressing table that is all covered with costly and rich scented men perfumes waves of stress appear on my forehead when my eyes see a little pink colored glittery box. I decide to pick that box up. Hesitatingly I open the lid of box. A rainbow appears in front of my eyes.

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It has all my favorite color lipsticks in it. While I touch those lipsticks my soul fills itself with happiness, joy and a feeling of completeness that can’t be described in words. I pick up a lipstick and as I am about to color my lips in color of happiness a tie waves at me from behind through the reflection in mirror and a tear in my eye waves back at it. I close that lipstick with all my dreams. I place the lid back on box with hiding my identity in it as well.

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Some moments later I stand in front of mirror again but this time with a tie and suit. My mother tells me I look like a dashing prince and I smile back. My dad tells me that he is proud of the man I have become. But my life is still in those minutes just like someone has stopped the watch of world from getting forward. In those minutes I can look my whole life journey is playing moment by moment, picture by picture and character by character. Though I am standing still but other person I can see in mirror starts talking to me.

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I can see him screaming and shouting for breakthrough. He put tie out of his and shred it to threads. He also takes his coat off. He points out at me and addresses to me, “Take this tie out of your neck. This is nothing but a strap from world to tame you and make you what they want. Throw this coat off too because it’s meant to hide and contain the originality of yours. “

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Like always I just stand there cold and numb. He calls me coward and then approaches a cupboard and takes a dress out. Then I see a man going in washroom but when the door opens I see a beautiful heaven-sent fairy coming out. I could not resist her charms, her delicate make up, shining dress, those glass bangles and anklet making noise hidden under her skirt. She stands in mirror right where that man was standing before and I ask her who she is. She laughs back at me and bursts in tears. “I am you. Why don’t you let me out? Why do you keep masking me and pushing me back where I have to live alone and in darkness? Please let me out.” I gather up courage and loosen my tie but my dad calls me.

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I sigh and utters to her, “Sorry I can’t. Maybe this night I will let you out. I promise soon they will accept you and I will not be hiding you under mask.” I walk out of the room and she shouts, “No they won’t accept me ever. Don’t kill yourself. Don’t kill me.”  Knowing that those words were the bitter truth I hold my heart in blanket of false hopes. While I step out I ask myself WHO AM I? Am I the one what world wants me to be or one that God made me? Why I am not accepted the way I am? Hoping to find answers of these questions I close my questions book once again like every other time.

 

Disclaimer: This is not a real story but this reflects the gender disphoria every member of transgender community faces every single day of their lives

Source: Who Am I?

Everything Happens for Good?

People say, “Everything happens for good.” This theory holds at many places but some situations make me question this theory, Does really everything happens for good? There are usually two types of people, I know, in this world; ones who don’t trust anyone and sometimes not even themselves. Then there are ones who belong to second category, who trust less on everyone but when they think they have known someone well they trust that person fully.

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The people belonging to first category spend most of their life in complete isolation but the people of second category are the ones who suffer from the heart breaks but they are still very strong; they never stop giving chances to new people and believe in new starting.

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People belonging to second group sometimes face such conditions that they are almost on the verge of losing the capability to trust anyone. There are many such situations and one of them is when someone beloved betrays you and leaves you all alone. In the world we live people wear beautiful masks to hide their scary and mean personalities.

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Human is such a creature that he’s never happy in any situation; he always wants everything and then more of everything. These people always target the ones who trust easily and takes advantage of their being soft-heart. Pure heart people do everything and anything they can and to every extent for their loved ones. But then there comes a stage when people are no more satisfied with what they are getting and they start finding reasons to leave, they start hurting and opening their question box that can even break down the heart of a very strong person.

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One of the most painful things is when you’ve done everything for a person and in reward you just get a question that what have you done for us? You’ve always supported a person, fought with the world for him, made him smile, took a good care of him and did every possible sacrifice for him but one day he comes to you and tells you that you have not done anything for them; that’s the time that pure heart who used to care crumbles down into pieces and not just that the trust they lied in them crumbles down along with it.

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And the destruction is even bigger when such words come from a friend. The loss of a dear friend is such a great that Joseph Roux said, “We call a person who has lost his father, an orphan and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known an immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.”

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The pain is heartbreaking and forgetting everything is not just that much easy as people tell them. Every little thing like jokes going around, songs, hangouts, happy faces and simply everything reminds them of their friend who left them. They miss talking to the one they used to talk to everyday. Being kind and soft heart is both a blessing and a curse too and here it shows how it’s a curse.

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Life is so unfair sometimes but it still goes on and one must have to go with the flow in order to survive. May be its God’s way to save them from more heartbreak because He understands how much it hurts. Sometimes life takes you to a road where every path leads you to the same destiny when you’re holding onto someone you got to let go, no matter how much it hurts, someday you’ll see why there’s a good in some goodbyes.

And then in the end it’s true that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR GOOD.

 

Originally hosted at http://wordsmyth-mag.com/everything-happens-good/

Long Distance Friend

Dear Long Distance Friend,

I have heard it a million times that distance kills relationships but now I guess some stupid minions just don’t leave you no matter how long the distance is, no? (Yeah, that minion is you) We were badass to take this challenge on us and cheers to us that we are still going against the waves. I don’t like stupid girls but how did you make it in my life dudette? (JK!)

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Oh, you were such a cry baby when we met and sorry to mention but I definitely got tired of you always crying. Crying for grades but not studying at all, crying for health but not leaving junk food, crying when something went wrong but still poking your nose in matters of people who didn’t give a damn about you, crying for friends but always going after wrong ones and what was the deal with crying in movies and series?

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I never understood how we became friends where I am so fierce all the time and you always shiver after every fight and this makes me remember the time when you fought with a girl and then came to me as whole world is crashing down. You could not even breathe properly and later on we actually did celebrate it. (You finally learnt something from me)

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Every friend keeps seat for other but you sneaked in my lectures just to spend time with me and we bunked lectures just to have gossips about relationship status of people around, commenting on outfits of every passing person and cracking inside jokes.

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I believe in the time we were together some part of you became part of me and some part of me started residing in you. And when our tiny little world was perfect God made you leave town for good and I am actually glad because our mutual madness was growing beyond boundaries this world could handle and this I am sure about because we became one soul in two bodies. I miss the way we started getting angry at the same person at same time, fighting for each other, making each other smile and feeling each drop of rain together while everyone else was enjoying it from behind the windows.

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In these two years, everything changed- this world moved on and so did our lives, you got friends and I made a few too, you grew strong and I felt weak sometimes, you got busy and it is hard for me to find time. One thing that proved to be super elastic is our friendship. I love the way I cry on phone and you want to kill the person who is the reason, the way my heart break in one city makes you pray for my happiness in city far away, the way my success makes your cheeks glow up with happiness and how our worlds are still the same though we’re distances apart.

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Dear, bestie of all time let me mention that I am so thankful to God to make you my friend , to watch over me when I break, to let you make me stronger than ever and I wish this never ends. Thank you for being my sunshine in stormy days, for my reason to smile in teary weather, for my star to show me way to what I am today and for always having my back. You rock minion.

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I am still counting on the days when I will see you and hug you again.(Hoping that time comes soon) There are some forevers that ends soon but I know our togetherness forever is a real long time forever- BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!

Dedicated to Nida Zia- who’s always been my strong pillar of support and has taught me much in life.

My Mistake!

It was dark everywhere; night was with its darkness and I was carrying the burden of my own darkness on my shoulders. I was a lot similar to the sky as it was also dark and alone like I was. With silence on my lips and a storm of words in my mind I was sitting on a bench in a park when all of sudden I noticed a girl going towards a bench placed on the other corner of park. A girl who was surrounded by a storm of tranquility, wearing a gown of hopelessness, crown of sadness and a cloud of torment was on her head. There was some mysterious charm in her that dragged me towards her and I left my bench to follow her.

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I was just behind the bench where she was sitting when I heard her uttering something. Her face was tilted towards the sky and she was very much lost in the sky as if she was looking in someone’s eyes. I stepped a little closer to hear her more clearly and what I heard was,

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“Dear God, You are the best of my best friends and You’re always there even though I just reach out to You only when there’s a need. I’ve not opened myself up to anyone else but today I want to share my heaviest burden with You; first mistake of my life.

I have always been afraid of loneliness and it was one of the times when I was having a void in my life. It’s the time when it all started; I was all alone with no one by my side. I was alone in the large crowd of people; people of every age, cast and nature but even in that loneliness I was myself. But soon a stranger came at the doorstep of my life and because I was tired of isolation I let him in. He was a cluster of mysteries; his eyes were so numb but still spoke words, his lips were tightly sealed willing to speak, his heart as cold as cadaver screaming out for love and his emotions were messed up so perfectly. I had never seen a person so perfect in his imperfection, so calm with the squall inside him and so different from others being indifferent. I got lost in the depth of his eyes in the urge to solve the mystery being a mystery lover. With the passage of time I started spending much of my time talking to him and trying to listen to his words behind his silence, I began to feel comfortable in his company and I fell in love with him.

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We were very disparate; I was like a river with a lot of noise of emotions and constant change while he was serene and consistent like a valley. But despite of our differences we were always trying to enjoy what the other person loves and understand our differences. He got successful in understanding me like no one else ever did. He could read my mind behind my fake emotions and hear the words of my heart beating in my chest. He was perfect in handling me when I was peaceful as angel, mischievous as a devil and even I was unpredictable. With him my world was flawless and I learned to the world from an entirely different view point. To me it seemed like both of us were head over heels in love with each other but the thought of losing him used to scare me always.

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As it is said, “Time changes everything” it changed his emotions for me too. We started having little fights every month and the number of fights soon incremented. Every time the base of the fight was either misunderstanding or simply NOTHING. We began to not talk to each other for a day and day turned into days and days turned into week. I had my own expectations and he was with his own plans, I had him on the top of my priority list and he had a well managed priority list above my name and I was busy in convincing my heart that everything will become be back like it was when he fell out of the love.I followed him beyond the limits of my patience because he was my perfect dream I always wanted to live in but like every dream breaks this one was about to break too.

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I never stopped getting the flashbacks of the promises he made and echoes of the words he said. Despite of my hardest efforts I couldn’t stop him, so I felt shattered and helpless watching my most beloved dream broken into pieces, twilight fade into oblivion, flame turning to embers and embers losing their glow; I watched him leave. And like everything that falls gets broken into pieces so did I.

I still relive that nightmare every night and play back you leaving me even when you promised to never leave me. But then I tell myself that “I won’t waste my tears anymore over a person who’s as cold as a dead-body, as dark as shadows of hopelessness and as dangerous to life as high waves for beautiful tulips. People are people and sometimes it doesn’t works out but that doesn’t mean love is not worth doing. One day I’ll definitely come across the one who would be perfect for me, one who’s made for me. It’s difficult to forget him all at once but I will eventually and the day I will get rid of his memories I will celebrate my victory over his memories and the love I still have for him in some corner of my heart.””

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She vanished all of a sudden and I realized that was all I wanted to say but could not. I took a deep breath, and myself strong and walked away leaving all the darkness, hopelessness, tranquility, torment and silence behind me. I promised myself to never look back!

Originally hosted at http://wordsmyth-mag.com/my-mistake/

The end was near.

They knew they were getting together, holding hands, looking in to each other’s eyes and listening to each other for the last time. No ifs to stop each other, no buts to have an excuse to stop by and no whys to question for there was nothing they can do to reverse the hourglass. Everything was pre-planned; some decisions taken by them and some decisions signed by God.

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He had rooftop all decorated with lights and flowers like she always wanted and so did God plan to turn the sky in a stage for stars. He picked out the best of her favorite slow tracks to play when she will enter and so did God order the wind to blow slowly on her entrance. He covered the pathway with rose petals and so did God make it final to spread the scent of flowers everywhere. He enlightened the roof with candles as well and so God turned the moon high in sky at its fullest.

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Everything was perfectly in place and it was the long moments of wait that were difficult to spend. Both of them were waiting, He and God. As she placed her right foot on the roof his heart skipped a beat and whole universe heard a heart breaking down for the girl she imagined walking with a bouquet just entered in her dream night with an oxygen cylinder. He rushed towards her to lend her a hand and took her to table where everything was placed as she ever wanted. She couldn’t help herself from crying with happiness but they knew the end was near.

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They spent an hour talking about their life together, the plans they had, the wishes they made and the dreams they dreamt with long pauses filled with silent sobs but loud voices asking many questions. Just when they were having one of many pauses they saw a shooting star but none of them wished for anything for they now knew that is all a lie, everything they have believed this long is just a lie.

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This time when she sobbed she lowered her head to place it on his shoulder. He could feel her heart beating slow with every moment passing and she could hear his heart breaking more and more with her every sob. They wondered what a beautiful synchronization that each sob breaks heart of one and lowers the beat of other? The time they spent together that night was not really much but it seemed like they spent years in minutes and a century in one hour. They had their time together and it was God’s turn to meet her so He blew slow wind whispering in her ears “come back to me, my kid.”

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She knew their end was no more far than some minutes so she held his arm tightly for she did not want to leave him alone, their dreams incomplete, their life at doorstep and his life in ruins but this time there was no but to hold onto. Just as she used to like, God blew wind with mist of flowers carrying rose petals, moon shining at its fullest and her favorite melody in the background and her ride ready to take her. She closed her eyes to had a flashback of all of their moments together, took a deep breath and opened her lips to say something but the sand ran out in the hourglass and her free moments ended. She was nothing more than a body without a soul lying in his arms.

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He took her in his arms and shed tears with sky crying for them. He was surrounded with deep darkness and no moon to shine on sky; not his moon to brighten up his life with her enchanting smile. He held her close to his chest wishing for their hearts to be synchronized at this moment too. This was a perfect night for her but for him good-bye was not easy. He wanted her to be with him always but the decision was final as God had his plans ready.

 

Specially Dedicated to

Aiman Rabbani- My favorite reader and a good friend and Sana Younas who’s as dear as a sister.

It’s not too late!

Have you ever just looked out of your window at the falling rain drops and got lost into it for some seconds? This happens to me every time I get a chance to look out of the window and witness the lovely rhythm of the rain drops falling on leaves, the cool breeze and that petrichor which emanates when rain drops hugs the dry particles of soil. I always feel incomplete and later after missing somewhere in deep thoughts I find myself smiling for no apparent reason. It’s because at that moment I am getting flashbacks from my beautiful childhood. Do you remember the life all of us had when we were kids? In case you don’t just steal some time out of your busy life and go sit with a kid. You will feel their innocence and believe me that will make your day. You will notice that their way of looking at the world and embracing the life is much simpler yet magical.

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Have you ever noticed that a kid is always smiling and smiling to everyone without having a concept of boundaries of casts, creed, color or religion? That’s because they know that smiling is always free and they spread happiness with their one giggle without any expectations.

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Have you ever noticed that a kid easily starts weeping when they’re hurt or when their toy is taken away from them and some times when they are hungry too? That’s because it’s a natural process that a human’s eye turns wet over his pain and loss.

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I am sure you have seen a kid always sharing whatever he has to the loved ones? The reason is that they care without an ounce of greed and love without conditions and limitations. You must have seen two kids fighting one moment and then hugging each other the very next second that is because they believe in forgiving and have a new beginning.

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And the most important phase of kids life is when he learns to walk; he walks in stagger, falls on ground but never gives up, stands up with a new hope and starts walking again.

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Believe me, in the urge to become young early than the time, to work at a better place, to earn a lot and in the race to live a luxurious life we have forgotten to live the life. We don’t remember the basic lessons to live a life and how to live the life for and with others. We have missed out the way we used to smile at every little thing, missed out the way we used to care and sacrifice for others, missed out the way we used to find chances to show the people how much we love them. We are not willing to cry now over our losses but we always allow ourselves to shed tears in our hearts and make ourselves hollow from inside.

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We are always ready to debate hours long about humanity and human rights but we are not agreeing to give basic rights to a poor. We are raising our voices to kill the terrorist but we don’t want to strangle the hatred in our hearts for the people of other casts. We always lights candles for the people who die in any big mishap but we don’t help a poor to burn a taper in his house.

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But it’s still not too late to make changes to ourselves. Now we need to feel the difference this growing process has brought with itself in us. We need to understand the exact purpose of being a human being is to help others and live for others but not to try to hurt and eliminate others. And in the end, life is meant of live and not to earn, earn and earn with just wishing to live it some other day. Learn to smile without any big reason, laugh on silly jokes, love without expectation, give without greed, care without discrimination and to relish life at its peak because remember you just live once and once is enough if you have lived in the way it is supposed to be lived.

Dear Bestie!

Dear Best Friend,

I never thought I would have to talk to you through a letter that might never reach your doorstep but I have a bad habit of sharing everything with you so, here I am to share a sad leaf of my life-story with you. You are the person who knows exactly what kind of person I am and I know you know this really well that I am bubbly, talkative and stupidest person alive on this planet. You know the corner of my heart where I hide all the beauty and you’ve seen what a mess I become when angry. You are familiar with every emotion of mine and sometimes I even wonder if I know myself as much as you do. I still remember the first time we met, do you?

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Do you remember the time we ran after each other on your birthday to throw cream on each other? My stomach still hurts while laughing when I recall the joker you were looking all covered in cream. I hope you remember the time when we had a long walk to my home just because of a non-sense dare and next day our legs were hurting so bad but we never accepted that because that was a dare. I know you can never forget the day you stole gulab jamun from my plate and I was so angry at you. I have always enjoyed riding at your bike and talking at the highest of my tone. And how can you even forget the silly times when we fought because of a misunderstanding and then patching up again because we had a lot of secrets to share (I was the one to say sorry most of times though).

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I know none of us will ever forget the times when one of us was low and other used to lend a hand to end the misery. And yes, our late night gossips and critiques about whole world starting from corridor details of university to future roaming plans, from hard assignments to praying for a C grade, sharing favorite quotes to sharing pictures of crush, from crazy jokes to serious reality world matters and taunting each other for being forever alone and then laughing out loud realizing both of us are equal here.

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Beloved friend I always have been a person used to travel against the waves of this busy world. You warned me every single moment that it will hurt me but I smiled back at you because deep down I knew whenever this world will break me you’ll be there to pick my pieces up and will place them back with love, care and a lot of scolding. And there came incidents when I got myself broken in gazillion pieces and gave up on myself but there you were, looking at me with anger and telling me I can go on, I have to and I will. I never got the chance to say but thank you for all those times. Our world has a weird concept that a guy and a girl can never be friends and there were we; THE BEST FRIENDS.

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I was so glad that I was right to believe that girl and guy can be besties but how can it be? I had to be wrong because world had to win- it had to be the ultimate truth teller. I never could understand how but one day this community made you feel that there are limits set for relationship a guy and girl can have and I know you went through the list and did not find the word FRIENDS anywhere, I know you would’ve checked again and would’ve found no change and I know you would’ve tried to write it there but I guess the pen was in the hand of our so-called society who sets the rules. I know how hard it would’ve been for you to hear people utter bad for our sacred relationship but nothing was in your hands. I know your stomach would’ve hurt badly because of all the gossips you had to keep inside and I know a part of you die every day since that day but I don’t blame you for that.

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Don’t worry this time your childish friend will take care of it as it’s my time to fulfill the promise we did to stand for each other’s best.In the end I just want you to know I have always loved you like a best friend loves a best friend, a sibling loves other sibling and always will love you in the same way. I will always believe that a guy and a girl can be besties and will wait for the time world agrees to this and you come back to me.